“He who has the bride is the Bridegroom; but the groomsman who stands by and listens to Him rejoices greatly and heartily on account of the Bridegroom’s Voice. This then is my pleasure and joy, and it is now completely. He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:29-30 Amplified Bible
Hello, My name is KimberlyMac and I am the Author of the book, “The Bridegroom’s Voice”. This book was birthed out of journals I kept through some very dark years of my life. It is an incredible book and the light of it glorifies God, because it is a light that streams out of a broken vessel, making it a beautiful God glory glow. My soul was broken, God did not remake it, He purified it and redeemed it as it was, broken. God’s Holy Spirit filled me with His Truth and Light. I became His broken vessel of light. His light streams out of every broken place in my soul, and it makes for glorious rays that shatter darkness with a unique streaming hope.
“Today I will speak to you about a love that is dynamic and everlasting. My love for you is kind, compassionate, patient, slow to anger, enduring, and will never fail you. This devotion has been and always will be an overcoming force of courage with a never-ending flow of peace to all those who depend upon it.” Excerpt From The Book: The Bridegroom’s Voice ~Week 1-Love
This is my life-story of how, “The Bridegroom’s Voice” was birthed out of my experiences. All my life, I have felt second best, never enough. I felt I was always on the outside of a crowd looking in, but never invited in. I thought, I was not good enough to be pursued for relationship with others. I was different; shadowed by grief and guilt on the inside, guarded and afraid, I therefore, watched in deep loneliness as people coupled up, being best friends, having group fellowship with one another and felt totally incapable of having what they had. I felt so left out, hoping to one day find a place where I belonged. Then I met Jesus, He began to change that up as I put my identity in Him, but there was a lot of water under the bridge of life before that happened. I would like to share it with you today.
My life journey contained fear, anxiety attacks and self-deprecation. I was broken on the inside, no one knew it, I put on a very good front. I called it a false façade. A tragedy in my childhood deeply ingrained my soul in fear. It wasn’t fear that it could happen to me, that I may be murdered one day, it was fear that my family member who murdered two of my other family members, was someone I could become. Losing two of my family members and the third being charged with their murder, was more than I could wrap my understanding around at eight years old. In the happy years of being in a great family relationship with her, she seemed so normal, then in one moment, she was a violent murderer. Her psychotic break terrified me as I looked in the mirror and said, that could be me. I could be her. The enemy ran with my fears and crippled my soul.
John 6:27-29 Why would you strive for food that is perishable and not be passionate to seek the food of eternal life, which never spoils?[ I, the Son of Man, am ready to give you what matters most, for God the Father has destined me for this purpose.” They replied, “So what should we do if we want to do God’s work?” Jesus answered, “The work you can do for God starts with believing in the One he has sent.” John 6:27-29 The Passion Translation
For years I pushed myself to be the best, strongest girl and then woman that I could be. It was all about what people thought of me. I wanted to have a reputation for being strong. All my striving was never enough, even at the age of 21 when I had climbed the latter of success, higher than all my peers, still deep on the inside fear quivered. The memory of those horrific days, the news, the gawking reporters, people sad for our family, the pity, the buried despair and then the grief anger that eventually split our family into two camps, those who forgave her and those that didn’t. Some of my cousins, I never saw again and our family, we never talked about what happened. It was not allowed. We swept it under the carpet and moved on.
“Do you think you have sufficient wisdom from your life experiences to create the all-inclusive perfect plan for your life? My promised bride, your insecurity causes you to be tossed back and forth between wisdom and your understanding and this will be a turbulent ride for your mind.”
Excerpt From The Book: The Bridegroom’s Voice ~Week 2-Questions
Years went by and I still felt weak on the inside, pushing that weakness down through extreme discipline in whatever I was pursing. This pushing for excellence, it created the best employee ever, the best volunteer ever, as I continued to strive to be better than the best. I wanted to have the best family ever, the best kids, the best career, and be the best mom and wife ever. It was exhausting, I could not rest. It took a toll on my health as I had migraine headaches like monthly clockwork. I had a great reputation though and it was everything I wanted, yet inside, my soul was broken, afraid, and carried an extreme burden of fear, fear which eventually turned into debilitating anxiety attacks, which of course I hid from everyone. I was kindling my own fire and walking by the light of a man made fire, which kept flaming out.
I met Jesus through the evangelism of a friend and I believed in Jesus, but I did not believe Him fully just yet. I also held back total access to my life to God’s Holy Spirit. I needed to feel I had control over the hidden secret compartments of my soul. I was not good enough, I felt that all the time, no matter what I was growing through, so I had serious doubts that Jesus was enough for me. Even if I was giving Jesus my everything, I experienced the pain of imperfection, I was not good enough. The pastor I worked for just reinforced this, I could not gain his favor, he spoke into my life that I was uneducated and unless I went back to school, I would not be promoted on his staff and then he said the dreaded words: “You will never amount to anything.” That, plus what our staff called: “Black Thursday Staff” meetings where he emotionally devalued us, where we all knew we could never live up to his expectations, and he would always be better than us. This pastor, with his personal desire to get ahead, by devaluing others, damaged my soul more. He put up a road block I could not hurdle. I could not go back to school, I had two small children, and we could not afford that. I left his office that day and beat on my steering wheel in despair, as failed religiosity crushed my soul, and my dreams died that day. I had given more than I could give and I still was not good enough.
“Lost one, you think you are fashioning a great work, but you are tiring yourself aimlessly for nothing of eternal value. Who do you think is keeping you so busy? It is not Me. This not My plan for you! At times, I don’t recognize you as you do not resemble Me. The enemy’s plan is to keep you busy doing, not being!”
Excerpt From The Book: The Bridegroom’s Voice ~Week 9 Being Yoked
After that day, despair set in and my mind was wide open to the enemy. I listened to the enemy of my soul constantly telling me I would never measure up, I would never be whole, I would be “her” one day, the murderer, I would be her. The consequences of people’s sin they affect us all. This Pastor with his greed for authority and power, left a mark on my life, yet the biggest hole in my soul, was a wound deep within me as I carried the consequence of my family member’s sin of murder. I let the enemy put it on my back daily and I carried the guilt, and the shame as he reminded me of the gawking reporters, the devastating news stories, and our broken family. You don’t sin alone, your sin affects everyone around you. I experienced the consequence of her sin as a weakness in my soul, I was yoked to fear.
My assumptions always leaned negatively, because my soul was wounded, it had been broken for a long time. I chose not to lean into God’s Sovereign sway, I chose to lean into my will as I protected my inner secrets. I was always assuming that people did not like me, and I worked hard and served much to gain approval. I let these assumptions run around my mind, until they formed a false narrative in my thinking. I had so much relational strife in my life, most of it was from assumption, thinking out of a wounded soul, instead of out of the Word of God, the wholly-holy truth. I worked hard sanctioning my religiosity and judged people harshly, out of my inward, secreted judging of myself. I avoided conflict and sought approval, so that made me two faced with people, telling one person one thing and another person another thing, because I did not want to lose either one’s approval. These were lies that exhausted me trying to keep up with them. I did not feel like I was enough for my husband, for my children, for my family. I always felt like I was looking from the outside of the circle of family and friends, never really wanted by them and never really invited into their fellowship. The fifth wheel is where the enemy had kept me stuck for so many years, in deception and failure after failure in making strong relationships. But, God had a plan for my life and I didn’t know it yet, but I was going to be okay.
Who among you fears the Lord and obeys his servant? That person may walk in the dark and have no light. Then let him trust in the Lord and yet depend on his God. But instead, some of you want to light your own fires and make your own light. So, go, walk in the light of your fires, and trust your own light to guide you. But this is what you will receive from me: You will lie down in a place of pain. Isaiah 50:10-11 New Century Version
Assumption and speculation is not truth, it is seeded in a deceptive trickery. I always felt alone. I said to myself over and over again: “I have no real friends. I am not accepted for who I am. I am not enough. I am not wanted. I am not pursued. People don’t want to be with me.” I had an overactive imagination and my mind ran with assumptions as if they were real. I worried about things that were not even reality. These were all lies the enemy told to keep me in the saddle of my childhood trauma and align me with fear that drove me to be a person of religious works. I worked so hard to be accepted. I was the best God servant there ever was, gave the most, worked the hardest, but not I was not impassioned by God, I was driven by fear. My ministry to others, was all me as I was still proving to my thought life that I okay, that I was not her. I always had way too much on my plate and revealed my imperfection, which turned to anger. My anger was always turned inward because I was hiding anxiety, it was a battle in my mind and there were several times it drove me to thoughts of suicide, as the light I had kindled for myself, my man-made fire I walked by, kept flaming out, leaving me in despair which I could not fix, hide or handle. But God saved me, for a purpose, and every suicidal plan was thwarted by His miraculous intervention. I am so grateful for that.
You can’t push yourself that hard without consequences, especially as you run away from the voices in your mind, which constantly remind you that you are not enough. And oh, did I run, run and run, trying to prove myself and leaving me exhausted. You can’t push down anxiety without an eruptive emotional toll. After my third child was born, I had a slight nervous breakdown and my mom had to care for me for about three months. It was through her mentoring, love and sacrificial care, as she pointed me to Jesus, that I came to personally know Him. I believed in who He was, I had given him my life, but I did not believe Him. I did not believe that He was enough for me. I learned as I recovered, what Jesus thought of me and it was nothing like I expected. The Father God miraculously became my deliverer from my enemy and He converted my chains into freedom. My identity with fear was exchanged for my identity as God’s Precious Child. I was no longer a slave to fear, I was a child of God, wholly-holy His, saved, delivered and on the path to complete healing.
Today, I appeal to you to not fear the unexplainable, but to trust Me; I am Lord of the Kingdom of God, the dominion that will reign forever. Believe in Me! I am able to keep ownership of those who are Mine. No doubt about it! If you develop awe for God in your natural everyday living, your belief in Me will obviously grow and My glory will supernaturally glow! It is my desire you begin to trust, believe and willingly obey Me in the all of your everything. When you believe in me with an undivided heart, I will bless you in a unique an special way only I can.Excerpt From The Book: The Bridegroom’s Voice ~Week 17-Everlasting Seed
God sent many people into my life, one was an Associate Pastor who had a heart after God, who helped shield us from the aggression of our Executive Pastor, and who also helped me to deal with my revolving anxiety, counseling me and getting the Word of God in my soul. I began to know the true joy of serving Jesus, wholly-holy from my heart and not out of works. After many years of serving out of the wrong motive, serving Jesus out of love, desire and passion was so freeing. I was more than enough in Him. He creatively gifted me in ways I could not even begin to hope for or imagine. He reminded me daily who I was in Jesus, that I was loved, I was wanted by God, I had worth and I belonged to His Kingdom. The more I got in the Word, the more I healed on the inside. I believed in God, and I believed what God said about me. I have enjoyed an “All-In” relationship with God, it has been uniquely mine, because I came from a place of such inner bondage to freedom in Christ. I no longer depended on myself, I gave God total access to my life. I had an undivided heart and I was stable in all of my ways.
All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. Psalm 86:9-12 New International Version
At one point in my walk with God, I turned the corner and I began listening up to God more than I did the thoughts of the enemy. I learned to hear God’s voice of encouragement and exhortation and I kept a journal with everything He was speaking. Out of this broken vessel I was, I became God’s broken vessel of light, still soul-broken but God Light filled. My life has not been easy, but God has been Present. I have had failures, I have made mistakes, things have not turned out exactly as I planned, but I have always had God with me, and am walking not by my strength, but by His. The joy that comes in the morning after long night seasons, is always an expected and welcome sight. Through the transition time of peeling the past and paying forward healing into my present, over a period of years, God spoke and I listened and wrote and that is where my book: The Bridegroom’s Voice was birthed. It came to life out of those journals that I kept all those years as I healed and became whole in Christ.
“Do not resist My touch as I mold and shape you into the image reflected in the eyes of my soul. I ask you to calm down, be reasonable, sit still, and let Me work. I want you to be pliable, responsive clay in my hands, trusting Me completely. When I touch Your life in order to shape you, I expect you to respond to My touch. I know what I am doing. I am capable of finish the design I start in you.”Excerpt From The Book: The Bridegroom’s Voice ~Week 41-Responsive Clay
I still have to fight the thoughts that I am not enough, that no one wants me, that I am weak, that my lack holds me back, that I am a failure, yet I grow through because I still believe what Jesus says to me. Jesus loves me, I am worthy of His love, I am perfect in Him, I am strong in Him and I have a good future and hope. When the enemy tries to take my thought life off line with deceptive thoughts, it doesn’t last long, truth lasts longer and I recall it, I replenish myself with it and I recover my wholly-holy alignment with God.
In this life, it is truth to say I have not succeeded the way I thought I would. I know I have not been the perfect wife, mom or friend, and I have failed in many ways. I know without a doubt, I am not enough, I am not perfect, but it is okay, because I am loved by God, Who came to me, gave His life for me and opened the way for me, this imperfect person, to have a future with Him. There is no greater hope for me, because in this life where I am never going to be flawless, where I have failed and still do fail, where I have not succeeded when I thought I should, where I have not overcome my flesh at times of trial, Jesus still loves me, His Word is still true and He still speaks to my heart. I matter to Him, my worth is in Him, my identity is in Him and He still wants me, still pursues a relationship with me. In this world where I will never be enough, He is my enough and He will finish what He started in me. I conclude this testimony of praise with another powerful testimony written in the Word of God.
Lord Almighty, you are the one who created all the nations; Look at them—they’re all on their way! Yes, the day will come when they all will worship you and put your glory on display. 10 You are the one and only God. What miracles! What wonders! What greatness belongs to you! Teach me more about you, how you work and how you move, so that I can walk onward in your truth until everything within me brings honor to your name. With all my heart and passion I will thank you, my God! I will give glory to your name, always and forever! Psalm 86:9-12 The Passion Translation
Have a great day and on your way out from this Table at The Bridegroom’s Café, enjoy this encouragement as God’s final say-so in this exhortational testimony:
“The Bridegroom’s Voice Introduction:
“The Bridegroom’s Voice Introduction: This book was written over a period of years; it has been a work in progress and is intended to be progressive; a journey of faith for you. The words in this book are a gift of God’s personal intimacy. Because we all are different and do things at a pace according to our own God-design, this book can be journeyed through at the speed set by the Holy Spirit for you. It is designed to be a nine-month journey with Jesus, but the way that it is written gives you a personal, Holy Spirit-led journey, where time is not the assignment for your growth in your relationship with God, the Great God Adventure on mission, and all in this book with Him, is His plan.” KimberlyMac
Excerpt From The Introduction Of The Book: The Bridegroom’s Voice
Purchase The Bridegroom’s Voice
Everything is “Birthed” out of a seed. The book “The Bridegroom’s Voice” was birthed out of the seed of a violent life trauma and in Christ, grew into a beautiful tree of hope, with a Voice of Truth so strong, no deception can stand up next to it. God finishes what He starts. Listen UP To “The Bridegroom’s Voice”. I highly suggest you purchase the book, The Bridegroom’s Voice. It is such a unique book. I call it a Journey with Jesus, a Great God Adventure to birth a brand new, personal relationship with Him, where you too, hear His voice and know your future, your worth, your strength and your hope.